Monday, May 07, 2007

And the Self-Esteem Continues to Plummet

Today's Snapple Fact:
A human brain weighs around 3 pounds.
Damn you, Snapple! Why must you continue to torment me?! I thought we had moved past this stage in our relationship and could enjoy each other's company without petty put-downs constantly arising. Clearly, I was wrong. I know I ate an entire frozen California Pizza Kitchen last night as a "snack." And then had a very large mango. I know I had already eaten half a pot of sinigang for lunch, followed by half a chicken as my merienda, all with generous helpings of rice. I know all of these things. You do not have to keep throwing my increasing predilection towards fattiness in my face. Why won't you just LOVE ME?!

I don't even know how to begin to lose that weight. I just don't know where to begin. I could kill brain cells with alcoholism, I suppose, but then I would most likely gain quite the beer belly. There is the possibility of the hardcore drugs, but I really don't want to have anything in common with Lindsey Lohan. It's a matter of principle. I guess I could just let my mind atrophy at the normal U.S. citizen rate. Perhaps I could go hardcore and take up Fundamentalism? Those people don't seem to ever think for themselves. I'm sure that would set off a neurological explosion killing off the vast majority of my brain. Perhaps I could even get my brainstem to lose some weight in the process. That thing must weigh at least 8 ounces. Summer svelte-ness, here I come!

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