Tuesday, January 30, 2007

SRT #30

I'm busy and playing a little bit of catch up at work. When I say "little bit," I actually mean, "lot of." So we'll see how this goes.

Monday, January 29, 2007

A New Low (High?)

I have succumbed to life and started a MySpace account. Nothing is on it right now, but I fully intend to rice it out. It will become my outlet for all things I hate about my people, namely girls and asians. This page will be so riced out that it will be able to feed a small to medium sized third world country. As opposed to the closet gays who project a facade of rabid homophobia, I will express my hatred by projecting a facade of extreme AZNness.* Be prepared for transparancy atop transparancy, pink text upon pink backgrounds, multitudes of unintelligible babble, and seizure inducing graphics! I will work tirelessly to get other people to do it for me.

It's sad to think about the effort I put into finding new and exciting ways to procrastinate at work.

* AZNocity?

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

SRT #29

I've noticed a definate upshoot in the number of commercials about poo. Is there a national epidemic of constipation going on without my knowledge? Apparently, there is a collective fiber deficiency running rampant throughout America, or at least in my broadcast area. Every other commercial on the air is for some kind of bowel regulation product, from yogurts to smoothies to pills. Also, it seems like it's always middle aged women starring in these spots. Is this what I have to look forward to? Poo problems and wrinkles?

Unfortunately, I can't remember what the names of all these products are, but I'm sure I'll be reminded the next time I watch TV. In the meantime, happy pooing!

Friday, January 19, 2007

What the Fuck?

When the hell did I turn into such a whiny bitch? And about being fat for Christ's sake?! Can I get any more annoying? It is even possible? Why can't I stop speaking in questions?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

OK. No more questions. But in all honesty, I'm not sure when this happened to me. Somewhere down the line, I turned into some kind of whiny bitch that deserves to wear shower curtain muumuus. This needs to change immediately.

Note to self: Sack UP, bitch!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

How Do They Know?!

Today's Snapple fact:

When the moon is directly overhead you weigh slightly less.
Clearly, Snapple is staffed by jerks. Jerks who enjoy reminding me every day via their damned Snapple facts that I am on the path towards SeaWorld endorsements and nine-foot grand piano coffins. If only their drinks weren't so delicious, I would stop buying Snapple products. Unfortunately for me, however, that is not going to happen. I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and miserable. With my eating habits, fat and happy won't be hard to accomplish.

But the more I ponder this issue, the more I realize that fat and happy probably won't happen. I'll be mad if/when I turn fat for a couple of reasons:
  1. I'll have to buy new clothes. Don't get me wrong, I love stuff, especially new stuff, but I don't want to buy new things because I don't fit into my old things. I already had to upgrade clothing once in 2004 during/following a 6 month period of sitting and eating huge quantities of Boston Market and Krispy Kreme products. I refuse to up my sizes again.
  2. There's nothing sadder than a fat girl with little boobs. My fat does not go to my boobs. It completely bypasses my upper torso and settles in the warmer, more fertile regions of the south. Think about it, when females have extraneous weight, people generally think/say: at least she has T&A. This will not be the case for me. People will say: what a misshappen person. How sad.
Unacceptable. So it looks like I'll have to rectify this situation. Don't go thinking that I'm already fat, however. I still have yet to break the size 5 barrier, but all signs point to making that change sooner rather than later. We'll see how this goes.

Or I could just limit myself to going outside when the moon is directly overhead.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

SRT #28

Today's Snapple fact:
You burn 20 calories per hour chewing gum.
Clearly, Snapple is trying to make me exercise. Recall such facts as: In a year, the average person walks four miles making his or her bed. I don't chew gum or make my bed. I am missing out on many a calorie burning exercise. I briefly considered making the switch from mints to gum, but then I realized that I enjoy sucking on a mint as opposed to chewing on rubber. [Insert the obligatory oral sex joke here.]¹ Damn my laziness!

I have seriously thought about starting to exercies on a semi-regular basis. It is, in fact, one of my new year's resolutions. Of the three that I made, I have been excellent with one, and totally ignored the other two which are:
  1. Start bringing breakfast and/or lunch to work so as to save much money, and;
  2. Get some fucking exercise.
I have not done anything about either of these. Since Snapple already knows that I have been slacking off, I figured that all 1.87 of my readers should as well.² Honestly, I might as well start learning how to sew so that I can get started on making myself muumuus out of shower curtains. I should also start attaching loofahs to sticks and install a bedside stove. Perhaps I need to replace my doors with walls that can be removed entirely so as to accomodate the crane that will inevitably be called in to transport my dead body to the graveyard, where I will be buried in a grand piano. So many plans, so little time.

Or I could just start exercising. I haven't yet decided which of these possibilities requires more effort.

¹ I can take it. HA. If only I knew how to footnote a footnote, I would put in another dirty joke about "taking it." Joke possibilities include allusions to the practice of combining an Altoid with a blow job, the euphamism "rubber" in place of a condom, or just using the out of context excerpt "I enjoy sucking." Take your pick. Although chewing on a rubber can't be pleasant. OUCH. (This is also assuming the condom is used correctly, and not on a random banana in the same room, which is what happens when you try to show certain populations how to use the condoms and don't explain to them that the banana is actually representative of the erect penis. Tee hee. Erect.) Unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing, in which case I say knock yourself out. I'm not here to judge you. But I'm lying right now, as I am an Asian girl, and God made us to judge people. Judgy-Wudgy was NOT a bear, but, in fact, an Asian girl.
² You know who you are.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

SRT #27

I am a funny bitch. The other person in this conversation is someone on GMail, who will be henceforth known as Someone Who Seems To Invest Only Slightly More Time Than Me Towards Work, aka SWSTIOSMTTMTW.¹
SWSTIOSMTTMTW: what are you doing on the 20th anyhow?
Me: stuff with others
SWSTIOSMTTMTW: suitably vague
so i shall fill in the blanks
Me: hopefully, that's what'll be happening here
Super funny, I know. If you don't get it, just think a little harder, and you'll get there.²

¹ My acronym creation skills are AMAZING.
² Tee hee. Harder.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Did I Miss Something?

On Tuesday, I watched The Pursuit of Happyness. Normally, I wouldn't pay to watch such a movie, but I was with a bunch of my family and they wanted to watch it, and I didn't really care. I just wanted a big bag of Reese's Pieces. So I sat down for a couple of hours, drank down about 3 gallons of Mr. Pibb, ate all of the nachos, and then started in on my delectable bits of peanut butter candy in a hard shell. I had no idea that I was supposed to feel something during this period of time. Apparently, the movie was heart-warming, or heart-touching, or something of that nature.¹ Something about hearts and feelings were involved. I'm not really sure, as I've been keeping mine on ice for a the last couple of years. It helps with the freshness.²

One good thing about the movie is that it addressed the misspelling of happiness. Thank GOD. If there was no explanation for this blatant error, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this entry. Instead I would be in the local jail being held for some kind of crime against the public. Perhaps destruction of property for tearing down the screen. It could have been assault with a deadly weapon after tracking down all involved in the movie and then bludgeoning them all with dictionaries. I don't know. All I do know is that I was very close to having to learn how to make shivs and iron panties to keep my new cell mate "Rosie" out of them.

That was a close one.

¹ I never got that memo.
² I should check and make sure the Ziploc is holding up all right.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

I Was Busy

So I've neglected the last couple of SRTs, and I really do have a good excuse this time: I was busy. Holidays happened, and I had shit to do. I went through the regular holiday routine for the most part. The only new thing was a trip to Tennessee to visit some family over there. The drive sucked, but an 11 hour drive can only reach limited levels of entertainment. Some things to note about Tennessee, or at least the area that we were in:
  1. No one locks their doors. I didn't realize that this is actually true. Whenever I heard a mention of this phenomenon, I didn't actually take it literally. I figured it was just something people said to highlight the difference in crime levels between the coast and middle America. I was very concerned because anyone could just come in and take all of my family's stuff. More importantly, I was very concerned that anyone could just come in and take my stuff. I brought two pairs of top tier shoes with me. It was very stressful.
  2. People are not attractive in Tennessee. While still deep in Tennessee on the return trip, we made a stop for gas. My mom turns to me and says, "People are ugly here. Look at that lady. She's really ugly." She then points to another person in the parking lot and says, "Something is wrong with that man's face. People are uglier here. Even the white people." Perhaps the wrong thing in this is my mom assuming that white people should be good-looking. Perhaps it is the fact that she made a generalization that people of Tennessee have a higher ugly quotient than other places we have been.¹ In any case, we saw many ugly people.
  3. There is little to no appreciation of a good pair of shoes in Tennessee. Seriously, I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of the demons known as crocs running rampant through the land. It was disgusting. All non-croc shoes I saw were clearly uncared for and exposed to such atrocities as MUD, DUST, and NATURE IN GENERAL. It made my heart cry, and I mourned for this travesty.
  4. Asians with a slight southern accent are a strange thing to see/hear.
So that was Tennessee. The highlight of the trip is the fact that my (super-dorky) cousin has a Wii, and I proceeded to play Zelda for about 10 hours. That game is super awesome. A close second is the fact that my skills in Mario Tennis 64 are unmatched, as I was undefeated by all using either Monkey (aka Donkey Kong) or Bowser, neither of which had stars. I am the Master of All.²

¹ Some generalizations are based in truth. This one is not simply based in truth; it is just true.
² If all equals Mario Tennis 64.