It can't be healthy to parlay your eating disorder into a career.

So I think I am only really funny when I'm sitting in the back of a classroom and making wiseass remarks about shit going on. I need something subversive and rebellious in the act to fuel me. I was on point today and had the entire back two rows of the room cracking up. Tonight's highlight, on student created kaleidoscope-based diagrams:

It's public health, not Lisa Frank.

It may not seem that funny right now, but people were dying. Trust. I mean, not literally. No matter how anorexic all the nutrition majors looked. (What is up with that? Is it to relate to their patients? And WHERE do they keep their organs?! People have many many billions of trillions of intestines inside of them. There is no way these people can store a kidney, much less an entire digestive system.) As much as I hated on them (and the stank way this one bitch presented herself to the class), I totally appreciate all the material they gave me. God knows I live to hate on such beings.

But anyways, how can I translate this into the rest of my life? It's a mystery. One that I am determined to unravel!

And today's pictures comes to you straight from the Philippines. Well, not straight, it's been about eight months...but whatever! Here we go:

Go away. You were annoying three years ago. Nothing has changed.

I have signed onto AIM for the first time in years this week. I figured there were people I used to talk to all the time that I simply lost touch with because I switched over to GoogleChat without letting all the appropriate people know my gmail address. So I'm catching up with people that I haven't kept up with in a long time and enjoying it. It is nice to see how people are doing after long absences. However, these are all people whose friendships I valued. People who brought something to the table. Unfortunately, there are also those who bring nothing.

Someone IM'ed me last night. He annoys the shit out of me. Formally of my "school" subheading, he was moved to the "wack" subheading after all obligatory class associations passed. I cannot remember his real name for the life of me. I think there is a "T" involved somehow, but I am unsure. It is a mystery. Even after he transitioned from "school" to "wack," he would barrage me with unwanted IMs. About the weather. About classes that we did not have in common. About shit I do not care about. If you look at my logs, this is what you see:

dumbass(10:24:35 PM): [something dumb or annoying!]
dumbass(10:24:50 PM): [more inane shit!]
dumbass signed off at (10:25:45 PM)

Three years later:

dumbass(12:13:46 PM): [something dumb or annoying!]
dumbass(14:24:08 PM): [more inane shit!]
dumbass signed off at (15:03:24 PM)

So you see I do not encourage this. I think there needs to be a statute of limitations on when you can IM someone after the last point of contact. If the parties involved were once good friends, there need not be such a statute. But in cases such as this, I think after more than six months, no contact is warrented unless there is a specific, pressing need. Like being the only two people in the hemisphere with the same blood type and your kidney is desperately needed. Even then, going into shady mode is acceptable.

Someone is getting deleted from my buddy list.

My God

You people are already in grad school. Cut it out with the pointless questions designed to set yourselves up for future recommendations. Christ.

Front row-ers annoy me.

Who Is You?!

This fucking coworker is really getting on my nerves now. While I'm trying to make my bagel* this morning, she comes into the kitchen and asks if I caught some segment on some morning show yesterday about sneaker collecting. This wasn't so much the problem as that her voice was dripping with this terrible condescending tone. It's like she was marinating this question to me for the past 24 hours in self-righeous. So what that some people wait in line for sneakers? That they spend more on shoes than on their apartments? WHAT DO YOU CARE? Everybody has something. Some people collect stamps. Other people, shoes. She keeps a compost bin and has a chicken coop. Just LET IT GO.

I've now realized that this is what makes everything she says super annoying. Taking the words at face value, you wouldn't think it was THAT annoying, but it's all soaked in this self-righteous I'm-better-you attitude that makes me want to rip her face off. Not all of us want to be self-satisfied high and mighty freakshows.

God. Now I'm gonna be annoyed for the rest of the day.


* Thomas' Bagels + Honey Nut Philadelphia creamcheese = awesome.

SRT #76

Have you noticed that the more you hate on someone, the more reasons you find to hate them? I know this sounds obvious, but bear with me. Of course it's a slippery slope from casual hatred to the sheer concentrated hatred of a thousand suns, but the hatee only makes it easier as time passes. It's as though they know how my black soul feeds on hate, and when faced with decisions, they consistently chose the option that leads to the greatest amount of hate. This is unquestionable proof that God loves me and wants me to be happy.

This and beer.

This and beer and Paul Smith.

This and beer and Paul Smith and shoes in general.

Ok, there is lots of proof that God loves me and wants me to be happy, but this gift of hate is definitely number one right now.

SRT #75

Instead of going to the Sartorialist exhibit tomorrow, I am going to be dodging war protesters after work tomorrow. Not that I'm against protesting the war, it's just that weaving in and out of any protesters can make me irritable.

Things That Irritate Me

1. People that loled. Really? You laugh out louded? I disagree.
2. This damned problem. I know I should be able to figure this out. This is further proof that I was much smarter at 15 than I am now at 24.
3. Fucking Apple and their fucking iPods!
4. Precipitation.
5. Wind.
6. Basically a good percentage of the Planeteers' special abilities.
7. You.

Serenity Now!

All of my electronics hate me. My fucking ifuckingPod has decided that the only acceptable screens are reset with the fucking apple in the middle and the "ok to disconnect" screen in disc mode. Neither of these allows me any entertainment. The silence all day today was deafening. I'm getting really angry at Apple. If only I could just trade in this iPod for a new nano and a refurbishing of my old one, I would be perfectly happy. This fucking contraption is going to be the fucking death of me.

In addition to that, my phone apparently fell out of my pocket in my car and I was unable to locate it. I did not notice it missing until I had to go somewhere after work. Since I caught a ride home with my mom, I assumed that it was in her car, and planned to retrieve it later. Unfortunately for me, it rang while I was in the car. I took solace in the fact that it was not in my mom's car, but within my grasp. So when I finally got back home, I tried calling it so as to determine its exact location. I drive a Mini Cooper, it can't be too hard to find. Right? WRONG! For some reason, when I called, it would ring on the phone I was using, but no ringing would actually come out of my phone. I still do not understand why it was doing this. Why would it ring to alert me to its presence, then refuse to ring when trying to find it?! After 20 terrible minutes in the cold, I finally found it wedged underneath the seat, mocking me with its closeness. When I got back inside, I called it again. Lo and behold, it promptly rang as though the fucking Hunchback of Notre fucking Dame was in charge of that shit. God. I'm so annoyed.

SERENITY NOW!

SRT #63

It is not yet Thanksgiving. Why do people have Christmas decorations up? Why are Christmas carols on the radio? Why do people beg for me to hate them?

These are the great questions of our time.

SRT #62

I was contemplating the Ugly that is known as sketchers the other day and was driving myself crazy trying to remember a particular catchphrase that irritated me to no end. I have suddenly remembered it:

The S is for ACTION!

There is no "s" in Action. Where the fuck did this come from? Shit drives me crazy. Is there actually an "s" in the word, and I'm just not seeing it? I've been known to miss such painfully obvious things, but I've looked and looked, and it's just not there. Please, someone explain this to me. God, this hurts my face.

Normally, I do not seek out things that hurt me in such a manner, but my cousin insulted a pair of my shoes which are SUPER CUTE, and she wears Sketchers. I'm sorry, that invalidates any opinion she can possibly have on the cuteness of shoes. I'm really bothered by this. Ugh, it really hurts my face. I'm going to comfort myself by staring at my cufflinks. I <3 them.

So Long...

DSC_0832
Originally uploaded by cadilag

...tourists of DC. The official tourist season was over a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't gathered the energy to give an official goodbye until now. Instead, I focused much of my energy in rejoicing their departure. Not only is my afternoon walk much easier in terms of navigation, but it is infinitely easier on the eyes as well. Do you see what I had to look at on a regular basis?

DO YOU SEE?! Terrible, I know. It's one thing to dress up an entire sixth grade class in the same ugly tshirt for keeping track of the dumb children, but it is quite another for tourist/demon couples to dress alike. Why would they do this to themselves? It's just terrible. Even more importantly, why would they do this to me? It hurts my face beyond measure.

The only thing that can rival my annoyance towards tourists is my hatred of the summer interns. I don't CARE that you work in some senator's office. I REALLY DON'T. And if you were so proud of your position (as resident copy maker), perhaps you would not run around your nation's capitol in flip flops. This is not an appropriate footwear choice. The worst offence of the summer intern, however, is the use of security badge as accessory. Some people declare status with awesome shoes or the latest super expensive purse. These children use security badges to establish the pecking order.

Alpha Intern: Oh, you work for a representative? Well I work for a SENATOR. Suck on that.

::Beta Intern curls up into the corner and cries::

These are not a legitimate accessory. They are large and ugly and really are only good for getting past the guards or making it easier for that serial killer in the corner to catch your name and track you down.

Serial Killer: It puts the lotion on its skin.

Intern: Um, is this Creme de la Mer? My dad buys me Creme de la Mer. Could you get me some? I'm allergic to this stuff.*

I don't like the summer interns. If only this fate could befall them all.

* Also, I fucking hate it when people claim allergies at stuff they simply don't like. Just say you don't like it. Christ, you're hard to deal with.

SR(Who Cares When I Do This, Really?) #57

So I missed a day; sue me. Actually, don't. I have important places my money needs to go. My closet, for example. Anyways, I delayed because no topics to write about entered my mind. "But, Catherine," you ask, "your mind is normally empty no matter the scenario. How was this week any different?" Well, I'm lazy. I don't know what to tell you. That seemed as good an excuse as any, and now it's ruined. RUINED!¹ So I will simply go through the notes I keep on my phone. Occasionally, I'll stick some random blurb in there, intending to write extensively on each topic, but I am lazy and so will do them all together with shorter blurbs. Here we go!!

Sun, Jul 29 2:30pm
c

I have no idea what this means. Perhaps it's a reminder as to how to start spelling my name? Perhaps I was about to note someone as a cunt? I really have no recollection of this. :T (This is my new favorite emoticon. Yes, I have a favorite emoticon. Sue me.²)

Fri, Jul 20 3:43pm
cool factor v. nerd v. angry

I think a friend and I were in the process of categorizing people we know. For the most part, everyone seemed to pretty clearly fall into cool or nerd, with very few straddling both.³ It was then pointed out that while I used to reside mostly in an angry place, I am now definitely in the nerd category. I accept that. It's not MY fault that they read In Her Shoes and I read The Zombie Survival Guide. When the zombies come, who'll be laughing then?! WHAT NOW, JERK?!

Mon, Oct 1 8:16pm
fake jt for cash!!!!

OHMIGOD. I was watching TV and suddenly Justin Timberlake is advertising for some quick cash loan deal. It was one of those places that tells you to put up your car for the loan, and then in fine print, there's like, 150% interest or something terrible like that. Anyways, after about two seconds it sinks in that this is NOT Justin, but a lookalike. Crazy. He even had the trying-too-hard stubble, off center fedora, and I think a vest that only Mr. Timberlake can wear without everyone assuming he's gay. In addition to that, the end of the commercial had this dude sitting at a grand piano. Do these people think Justin is a good loan sharking public spokesman? Are they targeting females from the ages of 10-25? Is that prime loan shark bait? Somehow, I really doubt this.

Upon reviewing the above summary, I really don't convey how amused I was. I was literally squealing with delight. It was awesome.

Thu, Jul 19 5:05pm
fupa is not business casual

So I'm walking to my ride home after work, which is around Judiciary Square, when I see what looks like a group of interns. They all look about 18-20, so I assume they were interns. They are wearing super business formal clothing for the most part, a little bit of business casual, so they were straddling that line. (Re: Tee Hee) It was not cute. A herd of poorly dressed things. A cacophony for the eyes, it was ill-fitting suits and bad shoes. Blech. Their queen, however, had FUPA hanging out of her suit jacket. It was, admittedly, a short jacket, but FUPA! And not just FUPA forcing her shirt to paunch out along with it. NAKED FUPA! Her shirt was also too short! NAKED FUPA at Judiciary Square! Terrible. My eyes still burn. I had to go stare at the Fall/Winter Balenciaga show to ease the pain.

Mon, May 28 4:12pm
level 1 aisle e

I must have gone to Tyson's Corner. Usually, I just take a picture of the sign with my camera phone, but I think I was (and still am) out of memory.

Mon, Jul 16 10:58 am
make a left at RECALCULATING ROUTE

I was in Philly and had to pick up a friend at an unfamiliar street. My phone's GPS got me there fine, but then we had to go to another unfamiliar area. At this point, satellites decided that they hate me when my phone spewed out this direction. How can I possibly make a left at recalculating route? I don't think that's a real street. Needless to say, I was sad and much pouting ensued. Luckily, I was able to find my way, but not without much sturm und drang. And, of course, more pouting.

Wed, Jul 11 7:34am
tweezing on the bus is a bad idea

That is all.


¹ Sorry, I'm in an especially random mood right now. Let's call it crazycornystrange.
² For real though. Please don't.
³ Tee hee. Straddle.

WTF!?

What the FUCK, Microsoft? WHAT. THE. FUCK.

After four more hours of gameplay last night, Fet and I beat Halo 3. Right when the end sequence is starting, the fucking XBox tells me that the disc is fucking unreadable. UNREADABLE! So we saw nothing. NOTHING! So disappointed. So now, I'm gonna have to beat the entire last chapter again.

On a semi-related note, why is Cortana able to leap from the disc where she is housed into the fucking computer through the air. COMPUTER PROGRAMS SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO THAT.

SRT #55

I got a wrong number this afternoon, and the guy on the other side was actually polite. New and different, I know. When it was clear that we did not know each other, he asked who I was, to which I responded, "Hey, man. You called me. Who are you." He laughed and said something that sounded like Brent.* It instantly became clear that this was, indeed, an error on his part. He promptly apologized, I said, "No problem," and all was well.

And then my phone rang within the next minute. Same number calling. I pick up again and inform him of his mistake. He apologizes and asks me to confirm the number he's been trying to call. It is, indeed, my number, but unfortunately, I am not who he wishes to speak to. He apologized again** and hung up.

This is really new and different for me. Usually wrong numbers are big jerks who somehow blame me for owning someone else's phone number, or they act as though I'm the one running around misdialing calls. I once spent five minutes on the phone going through this routine over and over:

Jerk: Who is this?
Me: You called me. Who is this?
Jerk: No. Who is THIS?
Me: I am the owner of this phone. Who is this?

I was much too stubborn to hang up and admit defeat. Clearly, the other person is a bigger jerk than I am. In any case, I hope this will become an ongoing trend. Strangers being polite to one another. Anything is possible.


* Perhaps Brad? Something with a "B."
** Again!

I'm Going to Disagree

So why do I have a picture of a fatty up, you may ask? No, I do not personally know this fatty, and really, if I wanted to look at a fatty, all I need to do is find a mirror. (I had to get the self-deprecation out of the way before it someone else did it. You know who you are. I win.) I saw it a couple of weeks ago on the Nordstrom website. I was just browsing around the sales and this thing assaulted my eyes. The problem is not so much the model, or even what she's wearing. The problem is that this model cannot possibly be that size. Clearly, she has a pillow or something similar wrapped around her torso so as to fill out that suit.

Is this really necessary, Nordstrom? Could you not find any reasonably attractive people that will actually fit this suit? I know that such people exist, I have seen them wandering about this land. I vehemently disagree with this model casting. It's not right. Just get a plus sized model for christsakes. They need to eat too. Clearly, if they didn't have that urgent need to make a living/eat, they wouldn't be plus sized models, would they? So Nordstrom, take pity. Feed a model that needs the work and save this tiny model from having to wear a fatty suit. Ok? Iappreciateitthanksbye!

You're Testing Me. I Get It.

Today, my iPod decided that he is sad. While sitting on the bus, I was suddenly overwhelmed with silence in the middle of "I'm Not a Player." Much like tuberculosis, or obesity, the sadness was contagious, and now I, too, am sad. Upon doing some sort of reset thing that has worked in the past, he simply reiterated its sadness and then told me use iTunes to restore it, in no less than three languages. Oh, how iPod thinks I am worldy and educated in such jibberjabber! Despite my repeated dropping and abuse, he has persevered for so long, but this assumption of knowing languages I do not may be the first sign of an illness that I cannot cure.

I truly fear that my iPod will never recover from this blow. The electric Prozac/Morphine of iTunes may do nothing to stop the path to destruction that he seems intent on. Over the past few months, he's been a little slower to wake up in the morning. He needs a bit of encouragement when syncing up with iTunes. His battery life is no where near where it used to be. Is this truly the end? Could a year and half of hard living caught up to iPod so quickly?

Unbeknownst to iPod, I've begun looking at his newer, younger, prettier brother: the iPod Classic. I am severely tempted to get one. Perhaps Nigel will take custody of iPod for the duration of his life while I start a new life with Classic. I am conflicted. I do not wish to take up with a new iPod while mine still lives, but I have needs. I am only human.

The main problem facing me now is my damned embargo. The 160 gig classic is $349. God. That is a glorious pair of shoes. I really believe that God is testing me now. After my declaration of embargo He probably snickered and thought,"Embargo, eh?* Let's see how well you do with this!" And then ZAP. My iPod is on its deathbed. I must resist. I must explore all ways to keep this iPod alive. Like that Schiavo chick, I will keep this thing on life support for as long as possible. I can only hope against hope that he pulls through.**

* Apparently, God is Canadian.
** Is this in bad taste? Has an appropriate amount of time passed for me to say this? Is this reference perhaps the final nail in the coffin God is constructing for my iPod?

Ugh.

Rain on a good hair day. This sucks.

ADDENDUM: Of course the moment I am able to get out of the rain, it stops. Mother Nature is a jerk.

Adventures in LA

While in LA, I took random notes in my phone so that I would remember all the random things I noticed. I have a horrible memory when it comes to remembering the random thoughts that occur to me for no reason, strange things that I observe, or anything that people tell me. Well, I have a horrible memory in general. It's a miracle that I can get home every night (for the most part). Now it seems like I have whorish tendencies, but I really do just have a shitty memory. I really don't know how I got off on this tangent, but here are the notes stored in my cell phone:

Wednesday, May 9 5:49 AM
level 2 row 4

It seems as though the poor memory is in my blood, as I took this note for my father so that we could go home upon our return to DC. Without this note, we surely would still be wandering the long term parking at National hoping to see our generic Honda amongst the herd.

Wednesday, May 9 6:03 AM
just saw the first white woman "randomly" selected for screening

This was a historic moment for all travelers everywhere. Apparently, this woman has not flown on a plane for years, as she did not remove her shoes or jacket, left her boarding pass in her bag (going through the x-ray machine), and then proceeded to ask about all of these "new" processes. The person (who was black) that waves you through the little gate then "randomly" selected her for more intense screening. I took great pains to refrain from indulging in gluttonous, self-satisfying peals of laughter. Instead, I simply internalized it, which is probably a good thing, as it (hopefully) counteracted all of the other internalized reactions of the negative nature that will eventually lead to my heart attack/stroke when I'm 26. In any case, this was an excellent moment for me, but a truly glorious moment for anyone darker than khaki.

Wednesday, May 9 12:28 PM
jerks who put their shit in any overhead. it fucks up everyone else.

I really do not like these people. The ones who just shove their carry on luggage into the first open space they see regardless of where their seats are. If you are sitting in 37B, don't stow your bag above row 10. Where do you expect the row 10 passengers to put their things?! It completely throws off everyone's luggage, so at landing, everyone is going up and down the aisles trying to find their stuff. Don't be a jerk. Just use the space allotted to your seat area.

Friday, May 11 9:23 AM
so many open toed shoes with hose!

At the USC graduation, there were some very well dressed people. Unfortunately, the overall state of dress was average due to some atrocities. Open toed shoes with hose are not right. I had no words, just gaping disbelief. While on the topic, there were some really excellent shoes on display. That part was glorious. It's probably as close as I can come to knowing what it feels like for men to graduate from Playboy to titty bars. LIVE ACTION PORN! Besides the shoes, however, there was one theme that so many people embodied at the graduation: skin cancer. For all the creationists out there, how can you deny evolution's veracity when there are BASEBALL MITTS sprouting legs, running around, and sending offspring to college? I DEFY you to explain that to me. The point is, use sunscreen. You are a person, not a leather good used to play sports.

Saturday, May 12 3:05 PM
.

I got my period.¹ Ugh. I had to take note so as to remember putting it into my Grand Calender of Suffering. I don't have anything to add to the already vast library of period complaints. My only real complaint is the cramps during the first 36ish hours or so. However, God did seem to take a little bit of pity on me and only stuck with the (relatively) lighter body blows to the abdomen instead of His usual gut-wrenching uppercuts straight into my uterus. God, is it really necessary for all the pain? I know women are the source of all sin, but I didn't offer any apples to anyone.

Sunday, May 13 5:00 PM
if you need a cane, why are you in heels?

I randomly remembered seeing a woman in heels using a cane during the graduation. (That is how my memory works. I will see something, forget about it, and then spontaneously remember for no reason at all.) I understand a love of heels. I really do. But if you need a cane to walk, maybe you should stick with flats. It just seems self-defeating to me.

Sunday, May 13 9:08 PM
another deflated aero bed

We stayed with fake-me-out family in Vegas on Saturday night, and I got put on the aero bed. Now, it started out pretty poorly filled, but I just assumed that was a time constraint. I was wrong. Something was wrong with the seal, and I woke up on the floor with nothing but a sheet and 2 layers of plastic between my body and the floor. It was quite sad. The only thing that makes it sadder is the lack of novelty. This has happened to me before, except on purpose and with spite/torture in mind. I was trying to get some sleep during a ski trip during which I did nothing but drink and go snow-tubing, when someone decided that they were bored and I would be the one to entertain her. So the seal was broken, and I was on the floor. I hate aero beds.

Monday, May 13 12:23 PM
they almost lost my luggage!

Have you ever gone to the luggage claim area at the airport, watched other people haul their bags off of the conveyor belt while waiting for your own, and then see the stream of luggage just end without yours ever showing up? Yeah. It sucks, right? I'm standing there like a puppy, pouting, willing the conveyor to randomly start up to deliver my one fucking bag. Clearly, my will was not strong enough as that didn't happen. As I began my trek to the luggage services, I began mentally listing all of the items in the bag that I had lost, and how much it would cost to replace all of it. If anything stopped me from replacement, I was going to fight someone. This despondency was only aggravated by the fact that of the 2,109,387 bags my family had checked, only mine was lost. By the time we got to the service area, I had calculated a reimbursement of about $870.² I was all ready to fight someone about my stuff. Fortunately (unfortunately?), they had my suitcase at the service area. Apparently, it got put onto an earlier flight from LA to DC, and no one had claimed it. Thank God.³ Most of me was overjoyed at the recovery of the suitcase, but a small part was disappointed in not having an excuse to fight. I like to find new ways to release aggression.

More than this happened, of course, but these are the only notes I remembered to take. Some good, some bad. Some shitty, some bloody. That was LA.


¹ Sidenote: Few things are more amusing than finding the one other female in a room full of boys and talking about periods so that everyone can hear. The facial expressions are totally worth it.
² I have a lot of stuff. This isn't even all of what I brought for the trip, as I shoved some into my mother's GINORMOUS suitcase when I got lazy in repacking everything.
³ I guess this sort of makes up for the bleeding, but not really. Is the bleeding really necessary though? Nothing should bleed for 4-7 days without dying. It's not right.

I Knew It!

Crocs are demonic beings sent to our world to destroy us! And people thought I was just being a paranoid anti-bad shoes vigilante. In your FACE!

Plastic clogs disrupt machinery in Swedish hospital

SRT #37

Tourists are DEMONS. They should all be shot. What lies underneath that poorly dressed, excessively bright exterior is a demon from the deepest bowels of hell.

* I've linked the above picture to the site I took it from. No need to not give credit where it is due.