Tuesday, May 29, 2007

SRT #44

This is supposed to be my summer of self-improvement. Quick list of things I'm supposed to be practicing and/or accomplishing over the next couple of months:

1. Getting more physically active. I'm on the Wii workout and have taken to walking about 2 miles after work pretty much every day, depending on my work load/arrival time at work, which is dependent upon morning rush hour traffic. I am turning into a fat load, and am not happy about it. Also, I just need to be more fit when the zombies come.

2. Return to a slightly more artsy-fartsy place. I have purchased a Nikon d40 to enable this endeavor. As long as I am gallivanting through downtown DC every afternoon, I'm going to take (try to take?) nice pictures. We'll see how this goes. Hopefully, this hobby will stick. It had better stick with all the money I've spent so far.

3. Actually filling out grad school applications. I am at a 95% confidence interval for applying to MPH programs. We will see how this goes.

4. Cutting back on TV time. Instead of wasting away hours of time watching pointless TV and reruns that I've seen eighty-six times before, I'm just going to watch new episodes of series that I enjoy online with out the wasted time of commercials and what not. Also, this frees up my primetime activity and I'll be watching these things on Sunday mornings and other days when nothing of importance/productivity is occurring.

So that is the summer plan. Hopefully, only good things will happen, but you never know. I figure that posting this will give me a better reason to stick to the general plan. I can easily manipulate myself that way. I'm super easy.

Friday, May 25, 2007

A Little Obsessed

I am writing this with my Wii. How awesome is that?

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


So I'm typing away on Gmail, and suddenly, in the quick contacts, appears this message:
Your internet connection is experiencing problems or your network administrator has blocked Gmail chat. Learn more
I really hope it is problems with my internet connection, as that tends to happen from time to time here. However, I can still gallivant through the intertubes with no problem. I fear that the network has actually blocked Gmail chat. I think I'm going to die.

It's back!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

SRT #43

1. Wireless internet is super-awesome. I am currently writing this from the comfort of my bed on my PDA. My potential for laziness has significantly increased as I no longer have to go downstairs or use phone minutes for internet access. Furthermore, I don't need to get a LAN convertor thing for my newly acquired toy which is the . . .

2. Wii I finally got last Sunday. I had essentially stopped looking for one around February as the search only served to frustrate me, and I was doing OK with my DS. On Sunday, I noticed one of my cousins was playing Cooking Mama on her DS. It looked super-fun, so I proposed a quick trip to Best Buy in order to get it. However, when we walked in, there was a board saying there are Wiis in stock! To my infinite pleasure & my wallet's dismay, there were three left on the shelves. I purchased one immediately along with Prince of Persia: Rival Swords. Normally, I would have gotten Zelda, but why throw down the $50 when I could simply use my cousin's copy? This leads me to the beginning of the . . .

3. Wii workout, which officially began today. I am the flabbiest skinny person in the world, & it sucks. Gross. I'll be boxing for thirty minutes everyday in addition to suffering the jump rope until I want to die. I need to up my general fitness level if I expect to survive the zombies. I don't expect there to be any significant changes in weight/size though. However, there has been semi-drastic change in . . .

4. the hair, which is now the shortest it has been since I was about 11. I didn't plan on such a change, but the "trim" I got was demonic. So I got another cut & it is now just grazing my shoulders. I'm still messing around with how to wear it though, but I think my potential for super-emo hair has increased tenfold.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Adventures in LA

While in LA, I took random notes in my phone so that I would remember all the random things I noticed. I have a horrible memory when it comes to remembering the random thoughts that occur to me for no reason, strange things that I observe, or anything that people tell me. Well, I have a horrible memory in general. It's a miracle that I can get home every night (for the most part). Now it seems like I have whorish tendencies, but I really do just have a shitty memory. I really don't know how I got off on this tangent, but here are the notes stored in my cell phone:

Wednesday, May 9 5:49 AM
level 2 row 4

It seems as though the poor memory is in my blood, as I took this note for my father so that we could go home upon our return to DC. Without this note, we surely would still be wandering the long term parking at National hoping to see our generic Honda amongst the herd.

Wednesday, May 9 6:03 AM
just saw the first white woman "randomly" selected for screening

This was a historic moment for all travelers everywhere. Apparently, this woman has not flown on a plane for years, as she did not remove her shoes or jacket, left her boarding pass in her bag (going through the x-ray machine), and then proceeded to ask about all of these "new" processes. The person (who was black) that waves you through the little gate then "randomly" selected her for more intense screening. I took great pains to refrain from indulging in gluttonous, self-satisfying peals of laughter. Instead, I simply internalized it, which is probably a good thing, as it (hopefully) counteracted all of the other internalized reactions of the negative nature that will eventually lead to my heart attack/stroke when I'm 26. In any case, this was an excellent moment for me, but a truly glorious moment for anyone darker than khaki.

Wednesday, May 9 12:28 PM
jerks who put their shit in any overhead. it fucks up everyone else.

I really do not like these people. The ones who just shove their carry on luggage into the first open space they see regardless of where their seats are. If you are sitting in 37B, don't stow your bag above row 10. Where do you expect the row 10 passengers to put their things?! It completely throws off everyone's luggage, so at landing, everyone is going up and down the aisles trying to find their stuff. Don't be a jerk. Just use the space allotted to your seat area.

Friday, May 11 9:23 AM
so many open toed shoes with hose!

At the USC graduation, there were some very well dressed people. Unfortunately, the overall state of dress was average due to some atrocities. Open toed shoes with hose are not right. I had no words, just gaping disbelief. While on the topic, there were some really excellent shoes on display. That part was glorious. It's probably as close as I can come to knowing what it feels like for men to graduate from Playboy to titty bars. LIVE ACTION PORN! Besides the shoes, however, there was one theme that so many people embodied at the graduation: skin cancer. For all the creationists out there, how can you deny evolution's veracity when there are BASEBALL MITTS sprouting legs, running around, and sending offspring to college? I DEFY you to explain that to me. The point is, use sunscreen. You are a person, not a leather good used to play sports.

Saturday, May 12 3:05 PM

I got my period.¹ Ugh. I had to take note so as to remember putting it into my Grand Calender of Suffering. I don't have anything to add to the already vast library of period complaints. My only real complaint is the cramps during the first 36ish hours or so. However, God did seem to take a little bit of pity on me and only stuck with the (relatively) lighter body blows to the abdomen instead of His usual gut-wrenching uppercuts straight into my uterus. God, is it really necessary for all the pain? I know women are the source of all sin, but I didn't offer any apples to anyone.

Sunday, May 13 5:00 PM
if you need a cane, why are you in heels?

I randomly remembered seeing a woman in heels using a cane during the graduation. (That is how my memory works. I will see something, forget about it, and then spontaneously remember for no reason at all.) I understand a love of heels. I really do. But if you need a cane to walk, maybe you should stick with flats. It just seems self-defeating to me.

Sunday, May 13 9:08 PM
another deflated aero bed

We stayed with fake-me-out family in Vegas on Saturday night, and I got put on the aero bed. Now, it started out pretty poorly filled, but I just assumed that was a time constraint. I was wrong. Something was wrong with the seal, and I woke up on the floor with nothing but a sheet and 2 layers of plastic between my body and the floor. It was quite sad. The only thing that makes it sadder is the lack of novelty. This has happened to me before, except on purpose and with spite/torture in mind. I was trying to get some sleep during a ski trip during which I did nothing but drink and go snow-tubing, when someone decided that they were bored and I would be the one to entertain her. So the seal was broken, and I was on the floor. I hate aero beds.

Monday, May 13 12:23 PM
they almost lost my luggage!

Have you ever gone to the luggage claim area at the airport, watched other people haul their bags off of the conveyor belt while waiting for your own, and then see the stream of luggage just end without yours ever showing up? Yeah. It sucks, right? I'm standing there like a puppy, pouting, willing the conveyor to randomly start up to deliver my one fucking bag. Clearly, my will was not strong enough as that didn't happen. As I began my trek to the luggage services, I began mentally listing all of the items in the bag that I had lost, and how much it would cost to replace all of it. If anything stopped me from replacement, I was going to fight someone. This despondency was only aggravated by the fact that of the 2,109,387 bags my family had checked, only mine was lost. By the time we got to the service area, I had calculated a reimbursement of about $870.² I was all ready to fight someone about my stuff. Fortunately (unfortunately?), they had my suitcase at the service area. Apparently, it got put onto an earlier flight from LA to DC, and no one had claimed it. Thank God.³ Most of me was overjoyed at the recovery of the suitcase, but a small part was disappointed in not having an excuse to fight. I like to find new ways to release aggression.

More than this happened, of course, but these are the only notes I remembered to take. Some good, some bad. Some shitty, some bloody. That was LA.

¹ Sidenote: Few things are more amusing than finding the one other female in a room full of boys and talking about periods so that everyone can hear. The facial expressions are totally worth it.
² I have a lot of stuff. This isn't even all of what I brought for the trip, as I shoved some into my mother's GINORMOUS suitcase when I got lazy in repacking everything.
³ I guess this sort of makes up for the bleeding, but not really. Is the bleeding really necessary though? Nothing should bleed for 4-7 days without dying. It's not right.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

SR(Wednesday!) #43

Sometimes I feel the urge to tell unfunny, yet very real yo' momma jokes. For example, one could denote extreme obesity with:
Yo' momma so fat her belly button has an echo.
Instead, I would say:
Yo' momma so fat that she is at serious risk for Type II Diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and various respiratory problems. She probably won't live more than 3 more years.
This is not exclusive to jokes demeaning mothers; they can be used for all afflictions of life.
Traditional insult:
You so ugly that your mom fed you with a slingshot.
Unfunny/Super-funny alternative:
You so ugly that you will immediately be judged poorly when meeting people. This will severely limit your job/friendship/relationship opportunities. You'll probably die poor and alone. I'm sorry.
Traditional insult:
Yo' momma so stupid it took her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Unfunny/Super-funny alternative:
Your mother has severe mental handicaps. You should probably put her into some sort of home and prepare yourself to live life as an orphan. Hopefully, she won't be abused and forced to live in her own filth. Good luck with that.
With a little effort, the yo' momma joke can be used to change the way we look at the bodily/facially/mentally disadvantaged. They need help. Remember, everyone is someone's mother/daughter/father/brother/son.

And they, too, have mothers to use as targets for our own amusement.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

A Gallery of Awesome

I am a fan of Chinatowns in general. For the most part, I go to Chinatown for food because I am a fatty. However, in LA, we went for the shopping as well. I love random amusing things. For example, who knew that people still made these:
Does anyone still own a VHS player? If so, are the people that still own/use them in such a rush that they need a separate rewinder? This is madness. If you're still using VHS, you probably aren't on a super-tight schedule. I do like the white color-way though. Very iPod.

The best thing about Chinatown is awesome knockoff products. For example, when I was in high school, Bebe was Teh Hawtness.* Unfortunately, not all people could afford it. This is not a problem now with the production of:

Awesome, isn't it? And it has the advantage of being an actual word! No matter how awesome this is, it is nothing compared to:

I was drinking water when I turned around, saw this GLORIOUS thing, and choked. CHANNEL! I have no words. Despite this glory, there was one product to rule them all:

Innocuous, isn't it? This is not impressive at all. Just a pair of pantyhose. Nothing to get excited about, right? WRONG! This seemingly innocent product is actually:

SATAN! This is manufactured in the depths of HELL! Why import from China when you can import from Hades itself?! I am still riddled with giggles whenever I think of it.

* I'm from PG County, that's how it is. Was? Just accept it.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

SRT #42

I type like a fob. No matter what, I will almost always hit the B when I mean to hit the V on the keyboard.


Monday, May 07, 2007

And the Self-Esteem Continues to Plummet

Today's Snapple Fact:
A human brain weighs around 3 pounds.
Damn you, Snapple! Why must you continue to torment me?! I thought we had moved past this stage in our relationship and could enjoy each other's company without petty put-downs constantly arising. Clearly, I was wrong. I know I ate an entire frozen California Pizza Kitchen last night as a "snack." And then had a very large mango. I know I had already eaten half a pot of sinigang for lunch, followed by half a chicken as my merienda, all with generous helpings of rice. I know all of these things. You do not have to keep throwing my increasing predilection towards fattiness in my face. Why won't you just LOVE ME?!

I don't even know how to begin to lose that weight. I just don't know where to begin. I could kill brain cells with alcoholism, I suppose, but then I would most likely gain quite the beer belly. There is the possibility of the hardcore drugs, but I really don't want to have anything in common with Lindsey Lohan. It's a matter of principle. I guess I could just let my mind atrophy at the normal U.S. citizen rate. Perhaps I could go hardcore and take up Fundamentalism? Those people don't seem to ever think for themselves. I'm sure that would set off a neurological explosion killing off the vast majority of my brain. Perhaps I could even get my brainstem to lose some weight in the process. That thing must weigh at least 8 ounces. Summer svelte-ness, here I come!

Sunday, May 06, 2007

I Work To Live

One of the restaurants at the resort in Mexico had this sauce with chips and whatnot with every meal. It was perhaps one of the greatest things in life, trumped only by the fried oysters at another restaurant. It was just the right creaminess, just the right spiciness, just the right everything. As I recall it, I feel a mixture of joy and sadness. I'll most likely never have this exact flavor again, but I am glad that I've had it. So delicious. So wonderful. It was an explosion in my mouth.*

* Insert dirty joke here. Do you see how I just cater to the dirty minds? Do you? And people say that I'm inconsiderate. Bastards.
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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

SRT #41

Tired from Mexico and cramming at work. Perhaps I will be a shitty employee and write a blog instead of reports. We'll see what happens.