Monday, January 23, 2006

January 23, 2006

Why are there flowers in January?! Mother Nature really needs to handle these hot flashes as it’s getting quite confusing for everyone involved. Do I need a jacket out today? And if so, a winter coat? A track jacket? Maybe a hoodie will suffice. Who the hell knows? Certainly not me.

Even the plants are confused:

Bush: Hey, it’s pretty warm out today. I think I’ll bloom.
::blooming ensues::
Bush: It’s pretty cold out today.
::dying ensues::

While I’m no fan of the cold, there’s no need to tease me with flashes of spring in the middle of January. That’s just mean.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Revenge: One Step at a Time

Are you brown? Yellow? Black? Red? Do you have any significant pigmentation in your skin? Then chances are, you’ve been oppressed by the white man. As colored people, we need to ensure that they suffer for their transgressions. Unfortunately, many of us are in no position to blatantly oppress them. If I could fire some from their jobs, I would; but I can’t. If I could somehow force them to give up their religion and make them take on a new one, on penalty of death, I would. So many things that could be done, but I can’t do them. (Not to say that I’m not working on getting there.) Since we really can’t do to them exactly what’s been done to us (rape, murder, pillage, etc…), we can all take small steps to make them suffer. Here are some suggestions to get you started:

1. Make them uncomfortable when they can’t get away. In elevators, or other enclosed spaces, when with other colored people, call each other racists terms, or talk as you think a hick from Alabama would. For example:

Indian: Push the close button you goddamn chink.
Korean: Fuck you, you damned dothead. And I’m a gook, not a chink.
Indian: Whatever. Go pick some rice or something. Find a soldier to fuck.
Korean: Sure. Right after I eat a steak. I like my Hindu gods medium-rare.

Keep this up as long as you’re in the elevator with random white people. Note that they will look at each other with very worried expressions on their faces. DO NOT LAUGH! Keep up the hatred for as long as you can. At this point, they are wishing that they took the stairs up to the 20th floor instead of the elevator. (Disclaimer: Only do this with your friends who know what’s going on. Do NOT try this with a stranger, or you might get the shit beat outta you.)

2. Discuss foods that will undoubtedly disgust them. This works especially well with Asians. Most Asian countries have some form of balut, which is, in the Philippines, a boiled unborn duck. Find a food unique to your culture, and loudly proclaim how much you love it. For example: “I love sucking the juice out of that duck fetus’s shell! And the feathers and bones give it a wonderfully distinctive texture.” This technique has been noted to be especially effective in biology classes, where the creatures you are dissecting remind you of your mother’s cooking. Vocalize that longing for fish innards. Broadcast that love of blood stew. And watch them cringe in horror.

3. Make them feel threatened. Not all people of color can accomplish this. But the darker you are, the better it works. Even if you are not in any way, shape, or form a thug, make the white people think you are without actually acting like one. Put on that dark hoodie and baggy jeans and scowl. That’s all it takes. They will scatter like roaches from the light. The beauty of this is that you have done nothing but look angry. You could be upset by that parking ticket you got. But they think you’re upset and are going to act out by mugging, then shooting them. Use their prejudice against them. Want more room on the sidewalk? Just clear out the white people by frowning. They’ll cross the street to get away from you. Want to cut in line at the grocery store? Find a timid one in line and proceed to completely ignore their protests, all while looking angry. Nothing is scarier to the white man than the angry black one.

4. Constantly remind them of how your people (or others) have been oppressed. This is one of my favorites, mostly because there’s no real response that they can give you. If you ever overhear some white person complaining about foreigners, just ask, “Where’s your Navajo blanket?” You can use any Native American craft in there, so long as it’s obviously Native American. There is no legitimate response to that question. Ask the origin of their last name. If it’s not something like “Wind through the Trees” or “Running Horse,” they’re a foreigner. Remind them of that. If a white person cuts in front of you in any sort of line, mutter loud enough for him to hear, “First you take my land, then you rape my culture. Was that not enough? Gotta get a better seat than me in the movies?” Keep muttering things of this nature. Make sure others can hear you as well. He’ll wish, just for a moment, that he wasn’t white.

Isn't that satisfying?

Friday, January 06, 2006

SouthEast DC is not Finland

8th & C Street, SE

This is a shot of one of the streets by my job. It's kind of like a random haven of normalcy in the middle of SouthEast DC. But this isn't surprising, seeing as we are on Capitol Hill. Get yourself a couple blocks away, and you'll wish you had taken some negotiation classes in college.

Mugger: Gimme yo’ money! (pointing a gun in your face)
Helpless Fool: Uhhhh… the last mugger got my money. I don’t have anything.
M: Gimme yo’ cell phone!

HF: The first one got that.

M: What the fuck?! Gimme anythin’ you got on you!

HF: Oh man…I dunno. (rifling through pockets) I got some pocket lint…a sock, maybe? That other dude took my shoes…

Gun: Bang.

It’s strange though, the immediate area is quite nice, and there seem to be a large number of families living the area. You can’t go outside without seeing someone walking their dog (or their kid).

Speaking of kids, some lady left her kid outside in his stroller while she went into this cafĂ© to grab a snack/lunch. So my co-worker and I were quite confused at first, and we waited outside to make sure some random homeless dude didn’t steal the kid so as to sell his organs on the black market. And then the mother comes out with her (undoubtedly) pretentious cup of coffee, probably a ventidoubleshoticed lattemachiattowithwhippedcream (And you gotta say it in one breath. It loses all dignity if you need to take a break in the middle of ordering it.)

Us: Is this your kid?
Mother: Yes.
Us: Why are you leaving him alone outside?
And the bitch says: They do it all the time in Europe.
Us: We’re in SouthEast DC!

And she walks away with a confused look on her face. We had no real follow-up to our SouthEast comment, seeing as that’s really explanation enough. In the murder capitol, this is the most crime ridden quadrant. All other directions are safer than southeast. Our only thought is (and we confirmed this immediately after she walked away): Bitch is crazy. No exclamation point. You don’t need one when stating fact. It was as obvious as saying, “We need oxygen to live.” I hope that kid grows up smarter than his mother.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

& so it begins

So I've started a blog. I s'ppose I could actully write things that are semi-meaningful here, much unlike my xanga page, where I post a random one-liner or picture ever couple of months. The problem is though, that I generally don't have anything meaningful to say. Which is not to say that I have nothing to say. Just nothing meaningful. Really. I've written an entire paragraph, and what do you know about me? NOTHING! & it's fuckin' great.

But really, anything on blogspot is automatically better than anything on xanga. That's just the way the world works. While xanga is a cesspool of pre-pubescent child - college student ranting and raving (with the occasional holleration), blogspot is a refinery of well-thought out arguments and civilized discourse. Or, that's what they want you to think. Hopefully, I can demonstrate that blogspotters are equally biased towards xanga-like drivvle.