HAHA

So we are currently watching the movie 12 o'clock High in class, and a character says:

There's a hole in the dike, Frank, and I'm scared stiff.

I am the only one laughing.

I Love Words. Don't You Love Words?

Shenanigans is a delightful word. It elicits such joy upon exiting my mouth. (I feel like I should make a dirty joke right now, but it gets more convoluted the more I think about it.) Also, convoluted is a good word. Not as delightful as shenanigans, but it has its merits. There are limitations to the delight of shenanigans though. Anyone under the age of 30 can use it to much laughter. The younger the user, the more amusing it is. Anyone who has been ravaged by time can also use it to much delight. I'd rather hear a crazy 90 year old cat lady say it than a well-coiffed/clad 55 year old. Being classy/sophisticated just detracts from the joy. Age and social standing are not the only factors affecting it, as levels of authority have a tremendous effect. For example, Bush is a crazy motherfucker and wants to blow up the world(I mean that figuratively, I have nothing against Barbara Bush). Clinton just wants to get blown. See the difference?

TERRIFYING!

DELIGHTFUL!

The use of the delight* that is shenanigans should not be used by all. But if you are one of the lucky few able to use it in such a way, have at it.


*Also, delight itself is delightful. So light. So airy. It just rolls off the tongue like a delightfully dirty joke.

SRT #69 (Tee hee)

Every time I walk by my boss' office, I try to catch a glimpse of the monitor. Today he is playing hearts. Good to know that I'm not the only one having an unproductive day.

Photo of the Day? Week? Month? It's a Mystery!

I like the green here, but I pretty much always like a bit of green.

I do think i should have come out a little and put the pipe more to the left. (That's what she said.)

Resolution #4

Say random things to leave strangers horrified/morbidly curious:

While walking off a Metro car:

...so I said that no amount of yoga would help. I mean, it was HUGE...

or:

...the doctor said that green was not a good sign...

::doors close::

Clearly, my theme for this year is to confound as many people as possible. I think that this is a goal worthy of my time and effort. Don't you?

SRT #47

Is it bad that during dinner plan discussion, I had an incredibly hard time controlling my snickers so that my co-workers would not hear them through the thin thin walls? Here are the statements that required the closing of the office door:

she wants to eat salad and some sort of meat...

and

can you think of anything fun we can do with salad and meat

Why don't people understand that I have the maturity of a 12-year-old boy* and censor their thoughts/words accordingly?

* As well as the body. Might as well beat you to the joke. You know who you are.

Ew. (Ha?)

At a meeting, we were discussing particular issues that need to be addressed next year. The word sebecate came up at which point my boss said it sounded like a dirty word. I noted its ability to rhyme with masticate, a commonly misunderstood word. At this point, my boss calmly says: Don't bite too hard.

I'm not sure whether to be disgusted or amused.

SRT #44

This is supposed to be my summer of self-improvement. Quick list of things I'm supposed to be practicing and/or accomplishing over the next couple of months:

1. Getting more physically active. I'm on the Wii workout and have taken to walking about 2 miles after work pretty much every day, depending on my work load/arrival time at work, which is dependent upon morning rush hour traffic. I am turning into a fat load, and am not happy about it. Also, I just need to be more fit when the zombies come.

2. Return to a slightly more artsy-fartsy place. I have purchased a Nikon d40 to enable this endeavor. As long as I am gallivanting through downtown DC every afternoon, I'm going to take (try to take?) nice pictures. We'll see how this goes. Hopefully, this hobby will stick. It had better stick with all the money I've spent so far.

3. Actually filling out grad school applications. I am at a 95% confidence interval for applying to MPH programs. We will see how this goes.

4. Cutting back on TV time. Instead of wasting away hours of time watching pointless TV and reruns that I've seen eighty-six times before, I'm just going to watch new episodes of series that I enjoy online with out the wasted time of commercials and what not. Also, this frees up my primetime activity and I'll be watching these things on Sunday mornings and other days when nothing of importance/productivity is occurring.

So that is the summer plan. Hopefully, only good things will happen, but you never know. I figure that posting this will give me a better reason to stick to the general plan. I can easily manipulate myself that way. I'm super easy.

I Work To Live

One of the restaurants at the resort in Mexico had this sauce with chips and whatnot with every meal. It was perhaps one of the greatest things in life, trumped only by the fried oysters at another restaurant. It was just the right creaminess, just the right spiciness, just the right everything. As I recall it, I feel a mixture of joy and sadness. I'll most likely never have this exact flavor again, but I am glad that I've had it. So delicious. So wonderful. It was an explosion in my mouth.*


* Insert dirty joke here. Do you see how I just cater to the dirty minds? Do you? And people say that I'm inconsiderate. Bastards.

SRT #28

Today's Snapple fact:

You burn 20 calories per hour chewing gum.

Clearly, Snapple is trying to make me exercise. Recall such facts as: In a year, the average person walks four miles making his or her bed. I don't chew gum or make my bed. I am missing out on many a calorie burning exercise. I briefly considered making the switch from mints to gum, but then I realized that I enjoy sucking on a mint as opposed to chewing on rubber. [Insert the obligatory oral sex joke here.]¹ Damn my laziness!

I have seriously thought about starting to exercies on a semi-regular basis. It is, in fact, one of my new year's resolutions. Of the three that I made, I have been excellent with one, and totally ignored the other two which are:

1. Start bringing breakfast and/or lunch to work so as to save much money, and;
2. Get some fucking exercise.

I have not done anything about either of these. Since Snapple already knows that I have been slacking off, I figured that all 1.87 of my readers should as well.² Honestly, I might as well start learning how to sew so that I can get started on making myself muumuus out of shower curtains. I should also start attaching loofahs to sticks and install a bedside stove. Perhaps I need to replace my doors with walls that can be removed entirely so as to accomodate the crane that will inevitably be called in to transport my dead body to the graveyard, where I will be buried in a grand piano. So many plans, so little time.

Or I could just start exercising. I haven't yet decided which of these possibilities requires more effort.


¹ I can take it. HA. If only I knew how to footnote a footnote, I would put in another dirty joke about "taking it." Joke possibilities include allusions to the practice of combining an Altoid with a blow job, the euphamism "rubber" in place of a condom, or just using the out of context excerpt "I enjoy sucking." Take your pick. Although chewing on a rubber can't be pleasant. OUCH. (This is also assuming the condom is used correctly, and not on a random banana in the same room, which is what happens when you try to show certain populations how to use the condoms and don't explain to them that the banana is actually representative of the erect penis. Tee hee. Erect.) Unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing, in which case I say knock yourself out. I'm not here to judge you. But I'm lying right now, as I am an Asian girl, and God made us to judge people. Judgy-Wudgy was NOT a bear, but, in fact, an Asian girl.
² You know who you are.

SRT #27

I am a funny bitch. The other person in this conversation is someone on GMail, who will be henceforth known as Someone Who Seems To Invest Only Slightly More Time Than Me Towards Work, aka SWSTIOSMTTMTW.¹

SWSTIOSMTTMTW: what are you doing on the 20th anyhow?
Me: stuff with others
SWSTIOSMTTMTW: suitably vague
so i shall fill in the blanks
}:-)
Me: hopefully, that's what'll be happening here

Super funny, I know. If you don't get it, just think a little harder, and you'll get there.²


¹ My acronym creation skills are AMAZING.
² Tee hee. Harder.

Still Dirrty

If you recall, I have a dirty mind. I can't help it; the dirty/inappropriate thoughts just pop up in my mind for no reason whatsoever.¹ For a little while there, it felt like these thoughts weren't occurring as often as usual, and I almost started to believe that I was growing up. Now I know that this is not the case, the the last few weeks have simply been full of other distractions. In retrospect, I realize that it was not a lack of sexual innuendo,² but a deluge of poop/fart jokes. Do not fret, dear readers,³ I am still as immature as ever.

At work yesterday, we recieved gift bags. Included in these was C.O. Bigelow lip balm. Of course, I tried it and found it to be delicious. I want to smear it on a bagel. Just today, I realized that the previous lip application I was biased towards was a praline flavor, and now this new lip balm is almond flavored.

I'm predisposed towards the flavor of nut on my lips. Tell me that isn't the wrong-est thought in life.


¹ Actually, there are reasons, just not very good ones.
² In your endo.
³ All three of you; though I'm sure I'm overestimating.

Dirty Mind

I've been told on many occasions that I have a dirty mind, and I admit that there are many instances where I see sexual references where there is none. For example, when people discuss how much they love to eat sushi, I can't help but giggle. This is especially funny when the sushi will be eaten on a date:

MY FRIEND: So I'm taking this girl out tonight. I think I want to have sushi for dinner tonight.
ME: *uncontrollable giggles* Sushi and vaginas are the same thing. You're having vaginas for dinner! *insert more giggling*
MY FRIEND: . . .dumbass. . .

I know it's childish/immature, but dammit, it's funny! The main problem with this aspect of my character is when something comes up in the workplace. For example, I've been assembling giant reference binders for a few days now, and I happened to find a new binder that still had its original insert (giggle) in the front:
Innocuous, isn't it? Just a picture of someone opening the binder rings. However, upon closer inspection, I found that this particular binder is made for whores:

"TRY ME! I'm Finger Friendly" Is that not an invitation to manual stimulation? I think it is. Look at that finger just casually pushing on the button. In addition to this, the binder is named Easy Open! Am I the only one who sees that not only is this binder aimed towards sluts, but manufactured by them as well?! After realizing all of these things, I could not stop laughing. This gets to be a problem, especially as I sit right in front of the elevator:

CO-WORKER: What’s so funny?
ME: *painful laughter* I…can’t…*snort*…sluts…binders…*more painful laughter*
CO-WORKER: . . .dumbass. . .

This inability to ignore even the slightest sexual innuendo will (most likely) be my downfall. But at least I’ll have a good laugh on the way down.*

*HA. It reads as if I’ll be going down on someone. Don't ever think that I would miss that.