SRT #28

Today's Snapple fact:

You burn 20 calories per hour chewing gum.

Clearly, Snapple is trying to make me exercise. Recall such facts as: In a year, the average person walks four miles making his or her bed. I don't chew gum or make my bed. I am missing out on many a calorie burning exercise. I briefly considered making the switch from mints to gum, but then I realized that I enjoy sucking on a mint as opposed to chewing on rubber. [Insert the obligatory oral sex joke here.]¹ Damn my laziness!

I have seriously thought about starting to exercies on a semi-regular basis. It is, in fact, one of my new year's resolutions. Of the three that I made, I have been excellent with one, and totally ignored the other two which are:

1. Start bringing breakfast and/or lunch to work so as to save much money, and;
2. Get some fucking exercise.

I have not done anything about either of these. Since Snapple already knows that I have been slacking off, I figured that all 1.87 of my readers should as well.² Honestly, I might as well start learning how to sew so that I can get started on making myself muumuus out of shower curtains. I should also start attaching loofahs to sticks and install a bedside stove. Perhaps I need to replace my doors with walls that can be removed entirely so as to accomodate the crane that will inevitably be called in to transport my dead body to the graveyard, where I will be buried in a grand piano. So many plans, so little time.

Or I could just start exercising. I haven't yet decided which of these possibilities requires more effort.


¹ I can take it. HA. If only I knew how to footnote a footnote, I would put in another dirty joke about "taking it." Joke possibilities include allusions to the practice of combining an Altoid with a blow job, the euphamism "rubber" in place of a condom, or just using the out of context excerpt "I enjoy sucking." Take your pick. Although chewing on a rubber can't be pleasant. OUCH. (This is also assuming the condom is used correctly, and not on a random banana in the same room, which is what happens when you try to show certain populations how to use the condoms and don't explain to them that the banana is actually representative of the erect penis. Tee hee. Erect.) Unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing, in which case I say knock yourself out. I'm not here to judge you. But I'm lying right now, as I am an Asian girl, and God made us to judge people. Judgy-Wudgy was NOT a bear, but, in fact, an Asian girl.
² You know who you are.