How Do They Know?!

Today's Snapple fact:

When the moon is directly overhead you weigh slightly less.

Clearly, Snapple is staffed by jerks. Jerks who enjoy reminding me every day via their damned Snapple facts that I am on the path towards SeaWorld endorsements and nine-foot grand piano coffins. If only their drinks weren't so delicious, I would stop buying Snapple products. Unfortunately for me, however, that is not going to happen. I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and miserable. With my eating habits, fat and happy won't be hard to accomplish.

But the more I ponder this issue, the more I realize that fat and happy probably won't happen. I'll be mad if/when I turn fat for a couple of reasons:

1. I'll have to buy new clothes. Don't get me wrong, I love stuff, especially new stuff, but I don't want to buy new things because I don't fit into my old things. I already had to upgrade clothing once in 2004 during/following a 6 month period of sitting and eating huge quantities of Boston Market and Krispy Kreme products. I refuse to up my sizes again.
2. There's nothing sadder than a fat girl with little boobs. My fat does not go to my boobs. It completely bypasses my upper torso and settles in the warmer, more fertile regions of the south. Think about it, when females have extraneous weight, people generally think/say: at least she has T&A. This will not be the case for me. People will say: what a misshappen person. How sad.

Unacceptable. So it looks like I'll have to rectify this situation. Don't go thinking that I'm already fat, however. I still have yet to break the size 5 barrier, but all signs point to making that change sooner rather than later. We'll see how this goes.

Or I could just limit myself to going outside when the moon is directly overhead.