Thursday, June 22, 2006

Gangsta AZNs: The Sequal

Before I begin, I would like to differentiate between AZNs and Asians. AZNs are the ones who think they’re “down.” They think every thought that runs through their heads is significant, and that their life experiences (i.e. saving money to make their car wack) is unique. They are the ones that believe stupidity makes you cool, that ignorance makes you leader of the pack. These people need to die.

You can always tell when a website is run by an AZN. If, for some reason, you are unable to tell when an AZN (not an Asian) is running a website, here are some tell-tale signs:

1. The user name has an excessive number of x’s and o’s surrounding it. This is quite common among AZNs, as their utter lack of creativity causes them to all want the same user names. This leads to variations which involve the use of x’s and o’s, aka hugs and kisses. For example, the name AZNPrideRiceBoy is already taken. So the stupid child creates the user name XoXAZNPrideRiceBoyXoX. There is no need to copy each other’s names. It makes things quite confusing in the long run.

GenericScreenName: Yo, what’s up?
XoXAZNPrideRiceBoyXoX: wHo DiS iZ?!
GenericScreenName: My bad. I was trying to talk to XoXoAZNPrideRiceBoyXoXo.

Clearly, this is bad planning on the part of AZNs everywhere. We’re supposed to be smarter than this people! Stop making the rest of us look bad just so you can fail at looking cool.

2. ThE WeBsYtE iN kWeStIoN iZ cOmPlEtElY lAKiNg In PrOpEr GrAmMaR, SpElLiNg, aNd PuNcTuAtIoN. While I will imitate the horrible typing, I refuse to use poor grammar, so you’ll just have to imagine it. The same people that get straight As in school are somehow unable to write a coherent sentence online. WHY?! Are you ashamed that you know English better than white people? Do you like the stereotype of Asians being unable to speak English? I need to know that answer to this question. Honestly, it keeps me up at night, seething with hatred.

3. The site is unnecessarily complex. There are 20 separate images (badly) photoshopped together, and displayed in monochrome. Frames are placed within frames, making it impossible to comfortably scroll down, much less explore the contents of the site. Also, there’s a trail of stars/flags/cars/something retarded trailing my cursor everywhere it goes. What is the point of that? Do you want to hurt me? Is that it? Besides the visual torture, there is always some horrible song playing in the background. It could be the latest Kpop hit. It could be the latest Jay-Z joint. In any case, musical backgrounds are annoying, especially when there is no way to turn it off. The page looks like a high school web development textbook threw up.

4. There are unsolicited offers of hooking up with members of the opposite sex. This occurs mostly on sites such as Asian Avenue or Xanga, which are the ultimate locations for AZN holleration. A common line is:

yO! iF uR a BaNgiN GuRlZ u NeEd To HoLlA TcHa BoY! hIt Me Up At XoXAZNPrideRiceBoyXoX. u KnOw U wAnNa B wIt Me!!!! (hAwT gUrLz OnLi)

Who would find that attractive? I can just imagine the swooning throngs of girls (aka GuRlZ) thinking, “He’s so sexy! Even though it seems as though his Shift key is broken, I would love to get with him! I love a man who can’t spell!”

These are just a few indications that a website is run by and AZN. While there are more, these are the most prevalent. Take heed when surfing the web, as you may get sucked into their vortexes of ignorance and ineffective posturing. When at work, avoid these at all costs, as sudden blasts of music will alert your boss to your activities, which do not actually involve work of any kind. In the worst case scenario, AZN websites will get you fired. Never forget that.

And remember, flame them as often as you can. Nothing is funnier than a 16 year old AZN threatening to “pOp a CaP in uR AsS” for leaving negative comments on his site.

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