Wednesday, June 27, 2007

SR(Whenever the Fuck I Feel Like It) #46

1. Lately, I've been waking up thirsty. Sometimes I think I'm diabetic, but I hate going to the doctor. If I am, I won't get treatment until I collapse in a public place from insulin shock or whatever it is that happens to diabetics. Since I wake up thirsty, I grab a quick glass of water before I leave the house if I have time. You'd think I'd do this every day, but with my morning routine, every 30 seconds is vital to catching the bus on time. This morning, I did have that extra 30 seconds. Unfortunately, I wasn't thinking straight and just did not use the filtered tap in the kitchen. I now have the worst aftertaste ever in my mouth. Since this time, I've eaten a bagel with salmon/cream cheese/red onion and drank a Snapple White Tea.* The taste still lingers. So gross. Ugh. I'm really mad not only for this horrible metallic taste, but for the fact that if a boy so much as LOOKS at me, I'll get pregnant. I'm not sure how, exactly, the biology of this works, but something in Maryland water gets girls pregnant. Lucky for me, however, that this is unlikely, as...

2. My boobs have gotten smaller. For anyone who knows me, you'd think this is an impossible task. You are wrong. I am officially a prepubescent boy. Thanks, God. I appreciate it. Are you mad at me? Is it my new...

3. Rating system? A rating system that is the greatest to ever be put into everyday use? Essentially, you begin with, "On a scale of one to Jesus," and end with anything remotely related to religion. For example, no more sales tax in NYC, on a scale of one to Jesus, is God dancing. On the other hand, getting your feet cut off at Six Flags, on a scale of one to Jesus, is the Archdiocese of Boston. This need not be regulated to extremes, however; it can be applied to the average day. My shoes are 2nd tier today. They are not shoes I would kill for, nor are they fuckupables. On a scale of one to Jesus, they are the First Letter to the Corinthians. You can use this for any occasion, for all occasions. Just be prepared for God to punish you in strange/effective ways.

* Real Fact #127: A hummingbird's heart beats 1,400 times a minute.

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