Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Bad Decision Making

Horror movies are interesting things. Why pay good money to watch a movie where (at least in my case) you won’t be actually watching the screen most of the time? Why pay $10 for fear, when all you really need to do is pick up a newspaper to find out about monsters/serial killers/all kinds of crazy? These are just the questions that ran through my mind as I hid my eyes under my hoodie while “watching” The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Aside from the fact that horror movies make me want to curl up into the fetal position and hide, a great many of them are quite possibly the best examples of poor decision making. More specifically, it is white people who make horrible, horrible decisions. You will never see a colored person in most of these situations. Why? Because we would leave before that shit got serious. None of that “let’s investigate” bullshit. Here are a couple of examples:

The actual purchase of the house wasn’t such a bad decision. They needed a house, here’s a house, everything’s peachy. However, when the craziness began, they dealt with it as best they could. The clincher however, is when a priest is brought in to exorcise the house. In the middle of the attempt, he hauls his ass out of that house. And yet, the family stays! WHY?! You can bet your life that a colored family would have tried to get a ride outta there with the priest. Only a crazy white family would try to work through the demons of hell.

The scariest thing about this movie is that it’s based on a true story. You know that there would be no movie to make if it was a colored family that moved in. That house would have been blessed the day they moved in. So on day one, it would be clear that the house was a demon. That movie would last ten minutes: family moves in, holy water burns, family moves out.

Three aspiring filmmakers search for the Blair Witch of Maryland. Why would you go looking for evil things? Last I checked, neither Satan nor his minions are nice people. You can’t just drop in on them for tea and then pop out. NO. He will eat your soul; and his minions will do countless horrible things to your body, including torture, mutilation, and possibly Britney Spears. Why would you want to find them? Most people spend their lives trying to get away from that. No colored person would think to himself, “You know what would be a good film, me finding the embodiment of evil in creepy woods. Let’s see if any of my friends want to come along.” Here’s how the movie would go starring colored kids:

FILM MAJOR #1: Hey guys, wanna go try to find this witch in the woods?
FILM MAJOR #2: Are you fucking crazy? No fucking way!

The End.

I’m not saying that horror movies are bad. On the contrary, many are quite good (at least from what I can tell when I’m not closing my eyes). I’m simply noting that you cannot have colored people starring in and making the plot choices in many of these movies. I don't care if you're Black, Asian, Hispanic, whatever; shit ain't happening. The movies would simply be too short, have minimal gore, and very little suspense. Thanks to crazy white people, we have full feature films featuring the consequences of poor decision making skills.

No comments: