Friday, September 22, 2006

SRT #17.5

So I alluded to an event which reinforced my belief in karma on Tuesday, and I figure I might as well document said event. So I get the mail on Saturday and look through it, taking out things for me. This includes the usual things: bank statements, bills, and pre-approved credit card applications. However, there's something unexpected also: a greeting card sized envelope. This is strange as I don't usually get cards from people except for my birthday or Christmas. So I'm confused and proceed to open it.

Confirming my assumptions, it is a greeting card, but not fulfilling the usual greeting card goals, such as thank yous or invitations. Instead, it's a greeting card asking me out. I wanted to vomit. Now, this card is blank on the inside, so there is much writing space available. Tell me why fool filled up the entire card to the point where it spills over onto the back. Gross! There were so many wrong things happening in the card, which I will now list.
  1. Fool didn't say who he was until the second "page" of the card.
  2. It notes that he has seen me at church, but I always left the building right after mass, so he was never able to speak to me there. (Thank God!)
  3. It notes my lack of wearing a wedding/engagement ring. This is especially disturbing that he was close enough to me at some point to note which fingers my rings are one. I typically wear three: two on my right (thumb and fourth finger) and one on my left (middle finger). Double vomit.
  4. He apparently has seen my mom at prayer groups and holistic healing meetings. Triple vomit.
  5. It invites me out for a lunch or (this is the good part) to get snacks and conversation. SNACKS! Are we in kindergarten? Do you plan on a pre- or post-recess event? Fool. Who says that?!
  6. He says it seems like I "march to the beat of my own drummer." Quadruple vomit.
Perhaps you're wondering who would send such a card to me? I'll tell you who: a sad (he has to be at least) 30-year-old. Yes. I'm not saying that's really old. But it is for this. Also, I wouldn't be able to pick this fool out of a line up. I do know his sister in passing, but I have no idea who this fool is. Apparently, we all went to the same piano teacher years years years ago, but as he was at least seven years older than me, I still had no idea who he was. (But he apparently remembered me as a nine maybe ten-year-old. Infinite vomit.) According to the card, he is resuming masses at his own church so I can (hopefully) still attend my own in peace.

One of the more confusing aspects of this card is that there is nothing in my church demeanor that says: Come talk to me. I'm a nice, well-adjusted person. Quite the opposite. I generally have a surly expression on my face, which is played up even more when I'm in places I don't want to be, i.e. church. I've made a whole persona based on looking irritated and mean so that people don't bother me when I'm in no mood to be bothered. When I have been forced to interact with someone that doesn't know me at church, they usually express consternation and worry that I'm going to bite their heads off. Bottom line: I am not an inviting person.

"How does this relate to karma?" you ask while scratching your head in confusion. Oh, I will tell you. My senior year of college, a classmate and I always went to the same truck. I liked the truck for a number of reasons. The abundant supply of Snapple Apple and excellent gyros were at the top of the list. So the guy that took the orders began to develop quite the crush on my classmate.¹ Due to a sleepy mishap, he learned her name from me and began to (let's say) woo her. Now, this was infinately amusing on my part because I would continue to frequent his food truck, which was conveniently located right next to the closest entrance to a lecture hall. This culminated at Christmas where he sent her a card (via another classmate) begging for her to "give him a chance." A small part of me has never stopped laughing at this. On many occasions, I would bring up this love for her that transcended all boundaries. They could cook gyros and sandwiches until the rapture.

Unfortunately for the truck guy, my friend never again went back to that truck. Every time I ordered a gyro (extra cucumber sauce, no lettuce), I could see the pain deep within his eyes. Poor poor him.

So the point is, I took way too much amusement from this occurance. And God has decided to punish me by sending a creepy card my way. I get it, God. No more excessive laughter at another's predicament.² Of course, I'll probably relapse at some point, and God will have to send me another karmic sign, causing me to renounce such things again, rinse and repeat. Such is my life.

¹ Friend? I dont' know if calling someone who tries to sexually assult me in the quad is a friend, but that's a different issue.
² Reasonable laugher is a different story, however.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

At least your card didn't say "I love you so much"

Also, I wouldn't so much call it sexual assult--more like, grabbing at air, where feminine bits ought to be.