Wednesday, February 28, 2007


How many people have actually read through the entire Bible? I'm guessing the answer is something like seven. Yet so many people list The Bible as a favorite book. Look around sites like Facebook and MySpace, and you will see a relatively large number of people who have included it in their favorite books. I doubt that all of these people have read it cover to cover.

Really, in between taking pictures of yourself at drunken frat parties, watching all eighty-seven of your favorite TV shows, and writing ten-thousand notes, you probably didn't have a lot of time for serious Bible study. Also, do you not see a problem with listing both The Bible and The DaVinci Code in your favorite books? Don't they inherently oppose each other? Of course it's very possible that you enjoyed The DaVinci Code for purely entertainment reasons, but you can't also find The Bible to be entertaining. It's actually quite a boring read.

I'm talking about The Bible from a literary standpoint. I'm not going to touch what it means in terms of world religion and all that shit. I (sort of) believe in democracy, but the US Constitution is a fucking boring document. You're allowed to believe in Jesus and not be riveted to your seat while running through all 23,897,462 dietary laws in the Old Testament. I highly doubt that God will judge me poorly because I was not entertained by a book that random men assembled over the ages. If anything, I'll get a bad verdict because I am a jerk.

Do you truly find it to be such an excellent read? I mean, what's its re-readability value? Some books get better the second or third time around. I can't even imagine how much more boring The Bible gets, and I've read through significant portions of it. I've read the fucking DICTIONARY and I was still bored by The Bible.* Can you even engage in a remotely literary conversation about it? Do people ask each other:
You read The Bible? Me, too! Who was your favorite character? I'm partial to Jeremiah. He was so much more sympathetic than Isaiah, don't you think? I can't wait for the sequel. But I was so disappointed in the ending. I mean, the Christ-like figure is so overdone. Was the author completely basing everything off of Narnia? Clearly, this "Jesus" character is based on Aslan. And once I hit chapter 3 in John, I knew how it was all going to end, so it was a bit anti-climactic. What did you think of it?
If anyone has had a discussion remotely resembling this, please let me know. I am super curious.

Unless you have read the entire Bible and thoroughly enjoyed every scintillating verse, don't list it as a favorite book. I'm amused by certain portions of the movie Octane, but I'm not going to include it in a list of my favorite movies. I've seen snippets of Erin Brockovich thanks to its constant playtime on TNT, but I have no idea if the entire movie is any good. I'm just not equipped to make that decision. Reconsider the criteria needed to deem something as a favorite. Does The Bible fulfill all, if any, of these?

I'm guessing no.

* It wasn't by choice. I was forced to do so by my mother and only got through the first fifty pages or so. It was still more interesting than The Bible.

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