Friday, February 09, 2007

A New Beginning

It's time for me to be honest. I can no longer live in this world of lies that I have created for myself. This is not my only transgression, as I've lied to anyone that has ever read anything on this blog. It is time to step out of this world based in shadows and lies and rejoin the world of truth and light. I, too, am capable of becoming a better, holier* person.

I realize now what the source of all my hatred is: jealousy. Recent events have opened my eyes to this fact. I always thought that if I embodied any of the seven deadly sins, it would be sloth, or even gluttony. I was wrong. Jealousy is what drives all my thoughts and actions. It is time to fully cleanse myself of this disease. To make sure that I do this completely, I will go through and find all the instances where my hatred is really jealousy in disguise. No part of it will remain which can regrow and fester as a tumor within my soul.

1. I can only hope to one day be cool enough to wear ginormous sunglasses. Unfortunately, chances are that this will only ever be a hope, and never a reality. I realize that I am not among the best of society worthy of the privilege of looking like a person-sized insect. Alas, I must content myself with looking like a person-sized person.

2. I've been cursed with this tan skin of the Pacific islands. Only through the most extreme effort can I become orange. Since I will never be able to achieve the luxurious glow of a citrus fruit, I lash out at those that can and do. Please forgive me, you glorious creatures of the melanoma.

3. We all know that I love shoes. Dunks bring me a special joy that no other can hope to equal. That is something of which I am sure. Unfortunately, I will never be stylish enough to pull off a pair of crocs. How does one even begin to describe the beauty of the croc? I certainly don't know. All I know is that I wish I had a pair in every color.

4. One day, I will get a tattoo in a language that I do not understand. Only those with amazing levels of intelligence and self-confidence can acquire a permanant mark on their skin which they cannot decipher. I think that maybe, with enought therapy and Prozac, I could attain this level of self-confidence to run around with "Explosive Diarrhea" inked in Chinese characters on my lower back.

5. There is a history of adult onset diabetes in a certain part of my family. This is usually brought on by obesity. My seeming aversion to becoming obese is really a desperate plea to fit in with this body type. I really want to have a heart attack before I hit 25. I want to live to the age of 50 only with the help of a 38 pill drug cocktail every day. My jealousy has made me hate the thing I most want to become: a sick whale.

6. The thing I am most ashamed of is the hatred I have directed towards my own people. I really want to be cool enough to tYpE lIkE tHiS. I cAn OnLy DrEaM oF tHe DaY tHaT YoU wIlL NeEd To HiGhLiGht TeXt In OrDeR To ReAd It. I wish I tried to start beef using poor arument, logic, and grammer. Perhaps, I too, can free myself from the shackles of education and ignore all rules of English. One day, even I could induce seizures with flashing pictures of Hello Kitty and random glitter. I still hope against hope that I will be cool enough to have random X's and O'x in my name. In due time, no longer will I be "i write i," but "XiXwriteXiX."

Clearly, my hatred was just the avenue through which jealousy drove itself outside of my mind. Why, God, was I not blessed with the ability to be able to see the connection between pedophilia and my annoyance with such things?! Why did I not see that it was only a deep seated desire to become an AZN that drove me to such hate? Hopefully, I will be able to overcome these obstacles and embrace my desires so that they are not released in such a negative way. It is now obvious to me that I have been a servant of the Dark Lord, and only through God can I overcome this.

I am free of hatred.

* Than thou.


Anonymous said...

That... was... great.

Kick OG's ass.

Anonymous said...

Do you write these at work? They're hilarious but I'm concerned about the amount of time it must take to post them. What with the foot notes and references. I barely have time to read them at work... Anyhow, I enjoy the daylights out of them so please keep it up. (Also, I don't think the citrus orange look is admirable at all...)

Anonymous said...

haha r u serious? Why did u leave such a comment on my site? I wrote about stalkers that kept visiting my xanga and my friend's xanga. haha

Oh! about spell check and grammer..nah I don't have time for that. I only use it when I write papers for school or work. Plus, me and ellis only have 1 computer in this apt so my time is very limited. Unfortunately, i am not a great writer and I guess that's why I'm studying finance and accounting. It's weird that I got straight A's but I can't write. Thanks for visiting my site, but if u only have negative comments then stop visiting my page.You are my bf's friend and I respect u so lets not start...
HOnestly, i like you and me & my bf like to read your writings:-)

Anonymous said...

Grammer is the devil's work! So please, if you believe in Jesus, avoid it at all costs. And punctuation . . . aNd pRopER foRMaTiNg. u kNo?

Seriously, let's not start--JESUS is on my side.