Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Introducing the Magic Hate Ball

There has been a serious decline in how angry I am at the world. This is unacceptable, and I am annoyed to the point of anger. See how easy it was to fix that deficiency? So I'm bringing out something I've had on the backburner for a while: the Magic Hate Ball. Occasionally, people will ask for my advice, and I am usually at a loss. I mean, if I was capable of identifying good life choices, wouldn't I be a nice, well-adjusted person instead of this smoldering volcano of bitterness, whose inactivity is occasionally interrupted by the spewing of molten crazy all over everything in its path? There is nothing about me that says:

Ask me to help! I'm cheerful and all that bullshit!

Despite this, every once in a while I'll receive a question from a member of my (imaginary) adoring public. Normally, I simply toss such inquiries into my imaginary trashcan, but after reconsideration, these can be used as excellent blog filler. Here's what I'm gonna do: I'll read the question, shake my magic hate ball, get its answer, then extrapolate upon said answer. So let's get on with the show:

Dear Magic Hate Ball,

I’ve recently become fascinated with Asian culture and I want to get a tattoo with Asian letters, most likely Chinese or Japanese. I want to honor my girlfriend and get a tattoo of her initials (H.A.G. fyi). The thing is: she doesn’t want to do the same for me no matter how much I insist. I mean, it’s only fair, right?

I Do Idolize Overwhelming Tats

And the Hate Ball says: My god, you're an idiot.


There are a number of problems with your letter. I’ll make this easier for everyone and just make a list:
  1. I’m “guessing” that you’re not Asian, and you probably know, at most, one person of Asian descent, who must deal with your constant greetings of “Nihao!” every damned time they see you. In general, it just makes us uncomfortable, especially if we're not Chinese.
  2. Here’s the dirty little secret: Asia is not a country, it’s a continent, dumbass. And if you do realize this, China and Japan aren’t the only ones there. Look at a fucking map for once.
  3. There are no Chinese or Japanese “letters.” I’m guessing you want to have very complex, very “Asian” looking characters tattooed on your idiotic skin. Why don’t you find out what something constitutes before you have it permanently embedded into your skin?
  4. Just because you want to make a bad decision, doesn’t mean your [soon-to-be-ex-]girlfriend should have to make the same one. Especially after the fact when you find out from the Chinese delivery guy that while your tattoo is an everlasting homage, it is not to your girlfriend, but fried bull testicles.

Part of me wants to recommend against getting this tattoo, as it will be an extraordinary exercise in ignorance and bad decision making. In addition to this, it creates a horrible domino effect in which other ignorant assholes will be impressed by the physical manifestation of your idiocy and acquire their own horrible tattoos. However, the larger part of me (I'd guess around 98%) recommends that you do make the investment and hopes that the result takes up a large portion of your body, thus making it impossible to hide your stupidity from the rest of the world.In conclusion, I suggest you get the tattoo, then continue to persuade your girlfriend to do the same. Soon, she’ll dump you, and you’ll just be that dumbass with “Fried Bull Testicles” or something equally idiotic on his torso with no girlfriend. Good Luck!

i write i

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