Thursday, May 11, 2006

Bitch, please. It aint' that bright.

I have only reaction to this: WHY?! Is it really necessary for sunglasses to be this large? Yes, I understand that cheeks need ultraviolet protection too, but there are creams for that. You could even go the ultra-Asian route and get a little umbrella to carry around when it’s sunny. While I’d still mock it, it’s better than these hideous glasses. While you may think these are attractive, this is what I see:When did it become attractive to look like The Fly? In this case, the experiment was botched even more badly, as you have none of the pre-packaged powers, i.e. sticking to walls, flight, and (in certain cases) the transmission of disease. I know it’s bright outside, and that pesky sun gets in the way, but is it really so bright as to warrant this monstrosity?

Perhaps you believe that your future is so bright that you need shades. Trust me in telling you that this is not the case. If anything, you’ve already peaked and are approaching your twilight years. You don’t need sunglasses when there is no sun. Perhaps you think that wearing these will trick the sun into coming back up:

SUN: Time to illuminate the other side of the world. WAIT A MINUTE! Someone’s still wearing sunglasses over there?! Is my watch right? Should I be lighting up the western hemisphere? I knew I should have gotten this stupid Swatch fixed. Guess I gotta go light up L.A.
MOON: Where is that bastard? He’s late again.

As far as I know, this tactic does not work. Soon after this happened, the moon came over, whipped the sun into shape, and explained the situation: sunglasses are a result of the sun; the sun is not a result of sunglasses.

Once again, I ask: WHY?! Unless you’re an anime character who has somehow transcended the boundaries of paper and animation cels, your eyes cannot be so large as to warrant these obnoxious things. And if you're eyes are that large, you had better be saving the world from evil queens from outer space, or whatever it is that the Sailor Scouts do.


Just stop.

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