SRT #30

I'm busy and playing a little bit of catch up at work. When I say "little bit," I actually mean, "lot of." So we'll see how this goes.

A New Low (High?)

I have succumbed to life and started a MySpace account. Nothing is on it right now, but I fully intend to rice it out. It will become my outlet for all things I hate about my people, namely girls and asians. This page will be so riced out that it will be able to feed a small to medium sized third world country. As opposed to the closet gays who project a facade of rabid homophobia, I will express my hatred by projecting a facade of extreme AZNness.* Be prepared for transparancy atop transparancy, pink text upon pink backgrounds, multitudes of unintelligible babble, and seizure inducing graphics! I will work tirelessly to get other people to do it for me.

It's sad to think about the effort I put into finding new and exciting ways to procrastinate at work.


* AZNocity?

SRT #29

I've noticed a definate upshoot in the number of commercials about poo. Is there a national epidemic of constipation going on without my knowledge? Apparently, there is a collective fiber deficiency running rampant throughout America, or at least in my broadcast area. Every other commercial on the air is for some kind of bowel regulation product, from yogurts to smoothies to pills. Also, it seems like it's always middle aged women starring in these spots. Is this what I have to look forward to? Poo problems and wrinkles?

Unfortunately, I can't remember what the names of all these products are, but I'm sure I'll be reminded the next time I watch TV. In the meantime, happy pooing!

What the Fuck?

When the hell did I turn into such a whiny bitch? And about being fat for Christ's sake?! Can I get any more annoying? It is even possible? Why can't I stop speaking in questions?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

OK. No more questions. But in all honesty, I'm not sure when this happened to me. Somewhere down the line, I turned into some kind of whiny bitch that deserves to wear shower curtain muumuus. This needs to change immediately.

Note to self: Sack UP, bitch!

How Do They Know?!

Today's Snapple fact:

When the moon is directly overhead you weigh slightly less.

Clearly, Snapple is staffed by jerks. Jerks who enjoy reminding me every day via their damned Snapple facts that I am on the path towards SeaWorld endorsements and nine-foot grand piano coffins. If only their drinks weren't so delicious, I would stop buying Snapple products. Unfortunately for me, however, that is not going to happen. I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and miserable. With my eating habits, fat and happy won't be hard to accomplish.

But the more I ponder this issue, the more I realize that fat and happy probably won't happen. I'll be mad if/when I turn fat for a couple of reasons:

1. I'll have to buy new clothes. Don't get me wrong, I love stuff, especially new stuff, but I don't want to buy new things because I don't fit into my old things. I already had to upgrade clothing once in 2004 during/following a 6 month period of sitting and eating huge quantities of Boston Market and Krispy Kreme products. I refuse to up my sizes again.
2. There's nothing sadder than a fat girl with little boobs. My fat does not go to my boobs. It completely bypasses my upper torso and settles in the warmer, more fertile regions of the south. Think about it, when females have extraneous weight, people generally think/say: at least she has T&A. This will not be the case for me. People will say: what a misshappen person. How sad.

Unacceptable. So it looks like I'll have to rectify this situation. Don't go thinking that I'm already fat, however. I still have yet to break the size 5 barrier, but all signs point to making that change sooner rather than later. We'll see how this goes.

Or I could just limit myself to going outside when the moon is directly overhead.